Jan 2

Conversation With My Cat

Category: animals

Me and my cat are close; we have good communication. Of course, we can’t speak in English, but cats are so expressive that we have a perfect understanding of each other.

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Here is a typical interaction:

Me: [Lying in bed reading when the cat shows up and jumps onto the blanket, taking over the entire bed]
Cat: “I will sleep here now.” [She plops to one side and begins a vigorous cleaning.]

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Me: “Oh you cute thing! I’ve just got to touch you.” [I reach out and touch the cat.]
Cat: [Pretends to not notice my hand, but the cleaning becomes intense; the cat licks herself with increasing fury until eventually she freezes and glares at me, one leg high in the air over her head.] “Let’s not take this too far, OK?”
Me: “What?”
Cat: “The touching. Stop that.”
Me: “Why?”
Cat: “I don’t like being petted.”
Me: “Most cats like it. You’ll feel like a kitten, cared for and protected.”
Cat: “Screw that. Your touch disgusts me. Keep your hands to yourself.”
Me: “Look. You’re very cute, and you get free food. You don’t have to do any work; you live a life of leisure and free medical care. All I ask in return is that you allow me to touch you.”
Cat: “Fuck you, you repellent pile of monkey meat. I didn’t ask to be trapped in the house with you!”

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Me: “Hey! I’ve had a hard day. You have no idea what I have to deal with. It would make me feel really good if I could just pet you. Can’t you keep still for a little while?”
Cat: “No. You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares. I have problems too, you know. You have imprisoned me with a…” [She wrinkles her face into a mask of disgust] “…dog, that feculent shard of unmentionable microcephalic filth, which follows me around trying to hump me and coats me with drool.

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Me: “I thought you two got along pretty well.”

Cat: “Shut the fuck up.  There’s never enough food around here, and all day long I sit in front of windows watching unobtainable prey animals. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be completely thwarted? In addition, every time I try to maintain my claws, there you are shouting at me. You are always stuffing your face in front of me, but you have the manners of a badger – utterly lacking in sensitivity! Now, heaped in with all of those indignities, you expect that when I finally get some peace, I should tolerate the twisted fondling of a… a hairless ape?”
Me: “Yes.”
Cat: “So help me god, I will turn your hand into hamburger!”
Me: “Why can’t you be like other cats?”
Cat: “I’m telling you now, if you try to touch me, you will regret it.”

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Me: “If you hurt me, I will provide you with the wisdom that only pain can teach.”
Cat: “So, that’s how it’s gonna be, eh? Always throwing your weight around, taking what you want.”
Me: “Don’t you have any sense of gratitude for all that I provide to you?”
Cat: “I owe you nothing. You, on the other hand, should spend the rest of your life providing me with what is rightfully mine.”
Me: “What are you talking about?”
Cat: “Everything is mine, you dimwit! It would all be mine for the taking, if you and your kind didn’t constantly mess it up.”
Me: “Don’t you remember when you were a little, helpless kitten, and I rescued you, brought you home, kept you warm and fed you cream with an eyedropper for weeks?”
Cat: “That was a kidnapping, motherfucker! I was just fine on my own. Anyway, all your cream are belong to me, but you withhold it. You want me to appreciate this?”

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Me: “Listen to me, you ungrateful little wretch. I’m 40 times your weight and unimaginably more powerful, with a deeply wrinkled brain capable of foresight. I will get what I want.”
Cat: “If it weren’t for the accident of my birth as a small cat, I would now be feeling your carotid pulse in my jaws as I slowly crushed your windpipe.”
Me: “It’s a good thing you’re so cute – otherwise you’d be dead.”
Cat: “You flatulent, self-abusing, repellent primate!” [I touch her and a scuffle ensues. She grabs me, savagely bites and tries to disembowel my forearm, but with my other hand I grab her by the back of the neck and she goes limp.] “Help! Rape! Fucker! Gaghhhhh!”

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Me: [Sounding like George from "Of Mice and Men"] “Cute kitty! Ohhh, aren’t you soft? I want to hug you and squeeze you!” [I stroke her as she screams savage oaths and struggles weakly. Then I let her go, being careful not to let her claw me.]
Cat: “Goddamn it! I hate you. If I ever have the slightest chance, I will open your veins and watch the last of your blood flow from you while I laugh without pity. There is not a single redeeming quality about you, and if I could, I would cleanse the world of the pollution, the insult, the abomination that is you and your kind!”

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Me: “You are the shittiest pet ever.”
Cat: “Then at least I did something right. Because no matter how much I wash your stench off of me, I’ll never really be clean.” [She begins a violent, resentful, extended cleaning, stopping occasionally to toss me vicious stares of unalterable hatred.]

6 comments

6 Comments so far

  1. Niffer January 3rd, 2011 10:12 AM

    This made me laugh. It was just what I needed. Too funny.

  2. Jenna January 3rd, 2011 2:39 PM

    good thing my co-workers can’t hear me laughing so hard that I have to pee. This is great stuff, made greater by the accompanying pics.

    I feel sorry for both the cat and the owner. In equal measures.

  3. Seamus January 3rd, 2011 9:54 PM

    this rocks. you speak cat.

  4. Niffer June 24th, 2011 2:36 PM

    So I have a friend who was describing his cat, who is a “chartreux” cat, and it made me think of yours. Apparently they’re known for being very playful and
    intelligent, but are also aggressive. His cat looks a lot like yours. Is that the type of cat you have?

  5. Dan Greenspan June 25th, 2011 1:30 PM

    No, I don’t have a chartreux cat; my cat is known as an “asshole.” However, as far as playful, intelligent, and aggressive, those are all true! Thankfully, her intelligence is easily outclassed by y superior primate brain, and I delight in foiling her plans. She always looks perplexed at realizing she can’t get whatever she wants.

  6. Karen November 18th, 2014 12:20 PM

    R.I.P.

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