Archive for August, 2009

Letter to a friend upon the occasion of a failed romance

August 21st, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized

Some time ago, a female friend of mine told me about the end of her relationship with an insensitive boyfriend.  I sent her this (possibly) consoling letter:

This guy is a piece of lint. I’m glad you brushed him from your shoulder. You are too nice though! I can’t believe you wish him happiness. Here’s what I would have written, and I think you will sense the depth of my understanding, forgiveness, and lack of bitterness about
relationships:

“Dear <boyfriend>: Your toadlike stare and amphibian intellectual capabilities have become tiresome. Your services are no longer needed; you are dismissed. Like all primitive chordates, you only have the urge to spray your semen over the first clutch of conveniently located, mucous-encased eggs you encounter before burrowing into the decaying leaves and scum of the pond bottom where you belong. May you be devoured by the unforgiving sharp beak of an egret. I can only hope that as your miniature forebrain processes its last image of daylight and freedom, you see the disinterested stare of the hungry bird and grasp the extent of your cosmic meaninglessness.”

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